You couldn’t have died. It wasn’t your time yet, not even near .
I still needed you, I needed you to be here ! I’m sorry for the selfishness, but is only my mere feeling.
I needed your smile, to see your blue eyes that smiled for you when you felt happy. I needed your blond hair and the sun that beat down on it and made you look like a heavenly angel.
You once told me that you believed in some existence beyond this one. Maybe that’s why my brain deceives me. Sometimes I swear I feel you beside me, or sitting in front of me looking at me and for me.
A few months after your death, one morning in the first fall after you were gone, mourning and weeping over your absence I ran through the woods. I swear that when I stopped almost falling over with tears, I felt you in front of me stopping my run. You embraced me!
Call me crazy, maybe I was, maybe I am!
I miss your voice, and even more your words which were always so full of wisdom.
I’m standing next to the table where we used to sit. So much you have missed in these last almost five years. Five years! I can’t believe you have been dead for almost five years!
If I told you why I was sitting on the terrace and not inside the cafe! Well listen to me, you won’t believe it!
Who would have thought that we would experience a global pandemic that would write itself into the history of us humans? I am not sitting inside at our table because fear still lives inside me. Yes, we have been in this misery for two years now!
Since your death so much has happened! Your daughter had a baby girl, she named her Magdalene. A great choice! A powerful name for someone who carries a little bit of you in her.
And me, what a weight I carry in me for not relating to your children! I carry in me the memories that once belonged to two people, but with your death, it fell to me to preserve them until one day I am gone.
I continued my studies, opened and closed a mini school that you could have been a part of. I am with someone, but I still feel that loneliness that you knew in me.