Well, I just do not want to waste my time feeling miserable. But, truth be told, I think this has got to do with me rather than the other person. I remember feeling lonely when I lived alone. I remember feeling afraid of being alone in the flat, and it's so weird that when I was a younger woman I honestly never cared or thought about this important aspect : protection.

Young people always feel fearless. When I was single I had never been in a serious relationship until I was 29, when I met my husband. I don't even know if I feel in love or if just let things flow and now I wonder how did I reach this point in my life? I definitely do not want to feel alone and feeling afraid of living alone and somebody would rape me or do me harm, but at the same time, am I being totally honest with my other half? T

he idea of not being with him breaks my heart, but I have dreams of my future , literally dreams at night, and I see myself in a tiny home, all alone, with nobody else. And for some reason I think I would be happy.

However, this image is just an image. Who can tell me that I would be happy? All alone and old? Probably I would feel miserable. I know I'm overthinking, that's me, and that's what I do, and I guess that won't change.

I'm always afraid of not profiting of this thing called LIFE and then I get depressed. In the beggining of our relationship life was fun. We've been together for 3 years, but we met ( I'm not officially married, but it's almost as If I was), he went to live with me, and we had 3 wonderful months. I started a Masters Degree, Then Covid began, then he lost his job, I lost my job, I re-invented myself and started teaching online, he stayed on the couch for a whole year, while I worked in a tiny dark office in our new flat. Now he has found a job, I kept mine, I finished my masters degree, but I'm still doing the same old same.

He's always crancky. I literally count every morning how many times he says the word "fuck", and it pisses me of. He's crancky in the morning and worst at night. He works too many hours he says. I do that to. And then gender classic roles. I do everything around the house, he says he does to, but he doesn't. We don't even sleep in the same bed because I just can't stand his snoring. And when the weekend comes, he also works on Saturdays, and when he doesn't, he goes to meet some friends, always an excuse, and it's been some times I found him in the local bar totally drunk.

He doesn't want to spend time with me, rather drinking beers with his friends, which I even understand, because I also became this very irritable woman... From outside, I can understand it all. I don't know if our 'marriage' has future. He says he loves me more than anything in this world, and I don't know if I am capable of uttering the same words.

Looking back to my single life, anytime I felt like moving I did it. those were my twenties. Now, I feel so trapped and I wish I could just get out of here, the problem is, I would love if he could go along with me...

Nothing makes sense Julius.

Thanks for your patience.